Talk Talk

2003-07-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Stronger...better...faster....

Here's my new blog! Please update your links. Please??

www.worldinmyeyes.net/blog

Thanks!!!

2003-06-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Goo goo ga ga. Today I woke up my mom by sitting on her head and jumping up and down. I figure she needs some stimulation to wake her up after I nursed from 4 to 5 a.m.

After breakfast, my hair smeared with muffin, I decided to fill my diaper. Satisfying! Because I know my mom likes to be really physically active, I made sure to writhe around and try to crawl away while she was changing me. I managed to get my foot in the poop. YAY! I bought myself some bath play time!

After my post bath naked run through the house, I settled down to rip the page out of a library book.

After that, I amused myself by climbing on the table while mom did dishes. She likes to challenge me, so she pulled all of the chairs away from the table. Pissed me off, but that mom of mine is always finding ways to further develop my problem solving skills. I just lined up the chairs until I could crawl over them and reach the table. I can't talk yet, but I think "Freak Child" is a high compliment.

11:30 a.m. Nap.

1:00 p.m. Lunch time. Spinach feta pockets would look great in my hair.

1:45 Bath number two of the day!

Time to play with (read: torture) my sister. I think I will wreck everything she is playing with. Muahahaha!

3:00 p.m. Mommy says its time to get out of the house. We go to a local playground where there is a beginner's play area and an advanced one (i.e. preschoolers area and big kid's equipment). I'm no fool...I belong on the advanced course. Nothing else can satisfy me!

5:00 p.m. Dinner. Mom cuts to the chase and feeds me in the tub. This is fun!! Peas can fit in my nose. Wild!

6:30. I fake my mom out by taking a long, late nap so she can't go to bed at a decent time. I LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE! I'VE GOT TO BOOGIE!

8:00 p.m. Must give Daddy equal time. Attack. Pull hair. Squeal. Giggle. Look like adorable, easy to care for baby, thus giving Mommy the appearance of being completely unreasonable when she calls to say she's going apeshit.

9-11:30 p.m. Try to get into toilet. Climb into windowsill, fall out, cry. Get nursed (yeah!!). Take every tissue out of box. Try to eat. Take off diaper, pee on floor. Coo. Giggle.

I rule this place.

11:30 p.m. Nurse down for the night. I'm exhausted.

2003-06-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Madame Fab

LAYER ONE
-- Name: Kym
-- Birth date: 12/06/1971
-- Birthplace: Andrews Air Force Base Hospital in D.C.
-- Current Location: Lancaster OH
-- Eye Color: Slate Blue
-- Hair Color: Red with blonde highlights
-- Height: 5’2”
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty. And damned tighty. Haha.
-- Zodiac Sign: Saggitarius
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Scotch/Irish (me too Madame Fab) with some German and Danish thrown in.
-- The shoes you wore today: black toe ring sandals
-- Your weakness: Telephones, the internet, Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake ice cream
-- Your fears: Being unloved and alone
-- Your perfect pizza: pesto, broccoli, mozzerella
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Not live my mother’s life, live out loud, raise happy kids.
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on IM: LOL
-- Your thoughts first waking up: “What’s on the agenda?”
-- Your best physical feature: My shoulders
-- Your most missed memory: Having no worries.
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: COKE!!! And my dad works for Pepsi!
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Neither. Barf.
-- Single or group dates: Either or. Group dates with the right people are a lot of fun. (I agree Tanya!)
-- Adidas or Nike: Ryka
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!
-- Cappuccino or coffee: I like both, but most days it’s coffee, double cream
LAYER FIVE:
 Smoke: Not enough! Oh, you mean tobacco…nope, never liked the stuff.
-- Cuss: Hell yeah.
-- Sing: Every chance I get.
-- Take a shower everyday: Absolutely.
-- Do you think you've been in love: For certain.
-- Want to go to college: I wish I could redo college.
-- Like(d) high school: Yes.
-- Want to get married: Already there, with the best guy in the world!
-- Believe in yourself: A little more each day.
-- Get motion sickness: Not too badly.
-- Think you're attractive: Yes.
-- Think you're a health freak: No, I wish I would do better but I am lazy about cooking right.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes!
-- Like thunderstorms: To an extent. Tornados freak me out.
 -- Play an instrument: Piano. In high school I played flute and oboe.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes and my vow is o shun the stuff from here on.
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: No.
-- Made Out: MMMMM yes!
-- Gone on a date: Yes. Yes I have.
-- Gone to the mall?: I can’t imagine I haven’t been at the mall in a month, so ok yeah.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: no
-- Eaten sushi: No. Yucky.
-- Been on stage: Does Karaoke count?
-- Been dumped: nope
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: No.
-- Gone skinny dipping: nope.
-- Dyed your hair: Like, fer sure!
-- Stolen anything: Nope.
-- You sound boring: Yeah, ok.
LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yes.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Oh my yes.
-- Been caught "doing something": Yup. By my lil’ sister…LOL!
-- Been called a tease: That too.
-- Gotten beaten up: Yes, by a boyfriend. And by a mean girl at the Pomeroy parking lot.
-- Shoplifted: no!
-- Changed who you were to fit in: I have, but I don’t do that now.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: I am married.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Delaney-4.5 Greyson-15 months
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Eloping to a beach paradise.
-- How do you want to die: After shagging.
-- Where you want to go to college: Antioch College
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Ah, the ever evolving question….
-- What country would you most like to visit: I always thought Italy looked wonderful…
LAYER NINE
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? My favorite is deep brown…
-- Best hair color? Also dark
-- Short or long hair: I like both styles.
-- Height: taller than me
-- Best weight: whatever, man…
-- Best articles of clothing: Guys-boxer briefs. Girls-bustiers
-- Best first date location: The Gulf Drive Café in Bradenton, Florida. Ahhh….
-- Best first kiss location: Somewhere outside.
LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: I plead the fifth…
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Six
-- Number of CDs that I own: I haven’t counted…but a lot…
-- Number of piercings: None now.
-- Number of tattoos: None and probably never will get one. I get bored with my hairstyle, how could I choose a tat which would last forever.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?:Plenty.
-- Number of scars on my body: A lot but not as many as I’ve seen…
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: One is killing me, but I can live with most of them. The things I regret most are the times I’ve hurt people.

2003-06-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

Its fascinating to me how things from one's past affect the rest of one's life. I see it in different friends and family members. It's almost like there are certain behaviors that just scream "I was abused" or "Nobody paid attention to me". I even can pinpoint innocuous behaviors which say "I was the oldest child in my family" or "My parents didn't make me do chores". Ya know what I mean? Identifying these quirks in onesself is much more difficult, I think, than noticing them in others. And once identified, what do you do then? Do you say "My past has made me this way?" Or do you choose to say "My past colors how I react, but ultimately I am in control of my reaction!"? That is a central focus for me. I don't want to simply say "This is the way I am" and let my flaws control me, ya know? It's hard work, but I know it can be done. Everyone is strong enough.

I have this fabulous support group online and in real life...thank you all. Thank you Gene, Katye, Nichole, Sarah, Kelly, Casey, Ann, Lynda, Cheryl, Tanya, Bonny, Diane, Marlanna, Bek, Sonya, Angela, Misty, Greta, Hugh, Trishy, Alice, Katherine and everyone who has been there for me. I'll never break your heart.

2003-05-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I am interested in, so many things I want to be. I want to write, I want to dance, I want to take vocal coaching, I want to try out acting sometime, I want to hold a women's self esteem conference, I want to learn gardening and plants, I want to become a massage therapist, I want to travel more, I want to mountain climb. Can I do all of these things and be a full time mom? I think yes. I am nudging myself on to DO THEM.

2003-05-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

Citrine

What Stone Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

These were my results...what stone are YOU?

2003-05-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

There was a bird in my house a minute ago. It scared the shit out of me!!

2003-05-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Update on the family situation-my step mom feels that I misconstrued all of her comments and made them sound worse than they were. She thinks I wanted to start a family war and doesn't want me in her house anymore. I am truly heartbroken that all this has happened, but I don't feel guilty for my part in the drama.

Life's been so busy, and it feels good. I feel a real sense of community here.

The closer I get to certain friends, though, the more scared I become. I find myself alternately confiding in friends, then pulling back. Too many times spurned, I guess. I hate being that way, but my heart gets broken WAY too often. I'd also rather do a million favors for someone and not let them do any for me. I hate feeling like I owe someone a favor or something. I'm so fucked up. I may never be normal.

2003-04-22T07:12:00.000-07:00

I’ve had so much going on!

My Easter sucked rocks. Church was dreadful. I actually enjoyed my visit with my dad until my brother and stepmom started making the most wicked racist statements. I left angry. I can’t believe that I came from there sometimes. It’s a wonder that I’m not more insane than I already am.

Mostly, though, my last week and a half has been consumed by the moving (in town) of my two dear friends. K has bought a new house (which has turned out to be a bit of trouble, as all new houses which aren’t new tend to do), and S is moving into K’s old house. I had K’s kids for many days last week. On Good Friday, I spent around 11 hours watching kids, five of them, while moving happened. I did take a break from the kids for about an hour, in which I packed K’s kitchen up. I’ve never seeeeeeeeeeeeen so much food! The woman does not need to go to the grocery store for months unless it’s for milk, toilet paper, and meat. And while I’m griping…when we arrived to help move…not one thing was packed! WE HAD TO PACK FOR THEM! The gall, really! {Honestly, I love my pals, I’m truly just complaining because this move has been so chaotic!)

Lest the reader think I am all gripe and no joy, think on it no more. I’ve been having lots of good days. I will have the opportunity to have another dance team this year. Thanks to one of my current Jazzercise students, I also won’t have to worry about childcare. Yeah!

I have been doing a great job confronting issues with others, with the exception of my family, for various reasons. I had it out with K the other night regarding her sharp tongued joking, and it went far better than I imagined.

Still deciding what to do about Jazzercise. A former student has opened a new fitness club in town and would like to have me there. Thing is, the childcare is the biggest obstacle for me. I don’t have a clear sense of whether it will be the right thing for me, and I’ve already tried once and failed. This has taken up a lot of my thinking time as well.

I am starting to realize that Grey is probably my last baby. As I watch both of my children grow, I am filled with such bittersweet pride. Especially looking at Greyson, so thrilled to be taking his first steps away from mama…it just fills me up with the gamut of emotions, ya know??

That seems like enough for now. I have so much running through my mind, seems like everything big happens at the same time.

kj

2003-04-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Chryse and all of my Canadian friends!

What I meant by cop-out was this: I think if I moved to Canada because I am unhappy with the current state of affairs, it would be a cop out. I feel like I should stay and be a part of the solution. SO very sorry if I offended!!

2003-04-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Randomicity

That's a word now, I swear.

1. If you haven't yet, go read.Margaret Atwood's Letter to America
2. When you are done, go read my pal Tanya and check out her essay from Eve Ensler.
3. My girlfriend and I did drywall and painted my living room this weekend, and I feel like a WOMYN!
4. Happiness comes with warm weather.
5. I want to be Canadian so much right now, but that seems like a cop-out, too.

2003-04-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

NEW BLOG DESIGN NEEDED!
Any takers? This thing is ugly, I want to make links, and to be honest, I know jack about it. Help? Thanks. Email me at kymgene@ameritech.net

2003-03-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, no war stuff today. I haven't been in the mood for blogging much, though a ton of stuff has been on my mind. Let's just say that sometimes, people surprise you.

Gene and I have been talking about our future. The five year plan. I need to move to a city or at least a college town. I am tired of being isolated in my views. It's not that I have to have everyone agree with me, but when almost EVERYONE disagrees with you, it's tough.

I am also dealing with career changes...more on this later, but basically I am going to have to decide what I want to do with Jazzercise. Do I want to be the owner, an employee, give it up?? Questions....ack.

2003-03-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

No, I have not forgotten what happened to our country on 9/11 and I resent the allegation that I do. I haven't forgotten what it was like to have my countrymen fleeing from burning buildings and the pain and terror. I don't want to visit that kind of horrible thing on other nations, no matter how despicable their leader.

2003-03-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

HaPpY BiRtHdAy GrEySoN!!!
It's my boy's first birthday! We spent a beautiful sunny day close to home. I can't tell you how much love this baby has brought to all of our lives. I read over his birth story and baby book today, and had some emotional moments.

2003-03-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Newer Delaney stuff

You know, the kid is pretty amazing. She is so empathetic, which is my favorite thing about her. She is SO incredibly cool with her younger brother, the time sucker, the usurper of her primary place as Princess. Even when he takes me away from her games, even when he pulls her hair or wrecks her tower or climbs all over her, she is all smiles and hugs for him. She said to me the other day, "I can't wait for Greyson to wake up". I love watching her with other kids. She is so respectful of them. Today we had a younger playmate of hers over, and the little girl was just having a tough day of it. Delaney was really patient and accomodating for the younger kid. (Although I do worry about her being too accomodating, and too much of a follower sometimes!) She loves to help me, too. I ask for her help, and when I really need it, she comes through. She talks all day from the time she awakes to the time she goes to bed. She could care less about toys. She wants to pretend. Her new thing is playing Kim Possible. She loves to go on missions. When she plays by herself, she narrates the whole scenario. She is so damned adorable when she does that...her vocabulary astounds me, yet she has this tiny voice...melts my heart. I never want to forget what she was like at four. FOUR. My baby girl is growing up altogether too fast.

2003-03-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

An Older Delaney Story

It was one of those idyllic mommy days. I had one child, and I guess things were just a tad too easy. My daughter had sailed through her terrible twos with only a few bite marks to show (albeit bite marks on OTHER bodies). On this particular day, we had run many errands and caught a flick, one of her first in a theatre. Her behavior was exemplary. I was feeling a bit smug, truth be known. Somehow I had escaped those terrible twos, and I was riding the wave. Our last stop of the day was Blockbuster to return some videos. Jim Carrey’s The Grinch was a new release that month. There was a life sized poster right next to the line where we stood, perfect girl child and I, hand in hand. My child kept looking at the Grinch poster rather suspiciously, but said nothing until we reached the front of the line. Suddenly, in the loud voice of a nearly-three-year old, she piped, “Mommy, that Grinch sure is a FUCKER!”

The man in line behind me nearly choked on his own laugh. My face red, I loudly whispered “We don’t say those words”, hoping against hope she wouldn’t reply with “Yes, Mommy, YOU say those words”. I am sure the crimson on my cheeks told the world that I not only did I say “those words”, I said them within earshot of my young child.

Nothing like a precocious kid to keep your ego in check!

2003-03-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Strange day so far....

This morning, I went through the drive through at Tim Horton's (coffee! COFFEE!!). I was counting the change for my total and not all the way pulled up to the window. The guy behind me beeped. I looked back and held up a finger indicating "just a second" and counted the last three pennies. He then leaned on the horn again like I was ignoring him or in space or something. So I went on to the window and mentioned what happened to the woman who works there. I see her many mornings...LOL. I said "Why do people have to be so rude and impatient?!" and she looked back and said "Oh, he's a nice guy". So I said, "Oh, you know him?". Yup. "He's my grandpa", says she. How embarrassing. But he DID beep at me twice. So, I paid for his order.

Then, I went to the full service car wash. Ahead of me was this woman in a white bug with peace signs in the windows. So, I struck up a conversation with her about the peace signs. She said that they were really hard to find. Talk turned to the war, and she said, "When I was young like you, I was all about peace, peace, but now I think we should just blow Iraq off the map." WHAAAAAAAT?! Her reasoning was that Saddam Hussein is "another Hitler", and what if the world had ignored the first Hitler. Then, she comes out with this gem: "Besides, all the people over there hate us. They are taught to hate us, their mentality is totally different, they believe in a god who isn't God..." BLAH BLAH. I wish I had better comebacks than the ones I had. Unfortunately, I don't think you can ever change anyone's mind about things like this.

2003-02-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

Which Star Crossed Comic Book Character are YOU?

Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?

I'm Rogue! Which I find to be completely entertaining, since I have her hair, and all....

2003-02-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

Just thoughts on the war...

Which use of reason, most reasonless and unconscionable, is the utmost that any tyrant ever pretended. --Milton.

It disturbs me so greatly that our country's leaders will not back down. It's like the neighborhood bully-he has to fight to save his pride. It also really says something to me that our allies are dropping us like rotten fruit.

I am truly worried that this country is going to go through times difficult to endure. I'm afraid the nation will be once again,like the late sixties, divided, clamorous, violent, inflamed.
I know that there are many truths...but I just can't see the truth to how a war will help things or solve any problems! I know Saddam Hussein is a cruel tyrant. But I just don't want this rash war. There has to be another way.

2003-02-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

Winter Storm in Central Ohio

Wow...we are having a real doozy! We have about 8-10", with a lot more expected. My county is under a level 3 snow emergency. Our hill is barely passable! Obviously, I am not at the Bon Jovi concert now! Bummer. I was surprised that the promoters didn't cancel, but Franklin County was only under a level 2.

Gene knew this was coming. He said his sense told him. (He's been deeply studying his Shawnee roots...knowing your intuition is an integral part of his study and meditation). Honestly, he sent me to do a big stocking up grocery run on Tuesday night. We've both been tapping into our intuition more. It's really cool. For example, I can usually wake up and get out the boppy when I know Greyson is about to wake up. And Gene knowing about this storm days before it was forecasted...it's just really cool to me.

2003-02-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

Before the internet captured me, I used to read. I'd stay up until 2 a.m. reading and reading until I finished the books.

Mind you, I find that many of these selections are classified as Young Adult Fiction, but give them a chance!

1. A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L'Engle. My first REAL book, I think. I read this so many times in grade school that the librarian bought me a copy. Then, it was a fabulous science fiction chiller for kids. As I read it as an adult, I see that it is an allegory for religion and politics.

2. Maybe my favorite book ever: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. It spoke to me as a teenager, as I identified with the emotinal isolation and confusion of Holden.

3. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli. I read this to my fourth graders, and I read it for the first time then. We couldn't WAIT to get back to it. It's about an orphaned white boy who walks into the black section of town (because he just sees people, not black or white people). A family takes him in...oh, i won't tell you the rest, but you will love this book. If you don't love it, I will eat my hat. :-)

4. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbit. What would happen if we lived forever?

5. Flowers for Algernon by who is that author?! Sorry I forget. Sad, but beautiful. Would you rather be Socrates or a happy pig?

6. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. The movie didn't ruin this one. "People are usually kind when you really see them".

7. Nine Stories and Franny and Zoe, also J.D. Salinger. Great to read if you think you are mentally ill. You probably will feel like the most together, healthy person in the world by comparison. Further, deep and intriguing and oh so New Yorkish!

8. In the same vein, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath will take you down down in the deep valleys of the soul. Far beyond the angst of Holden Caulfield we go...

9. I am going to cheat and lump all of my fave D.H. Laurence books into one pick. Laurence writes human emotion better than anyone else I can think of. If I had to pick two (haha) I'd choose The Little Foxes and Husbands and Lovers.

10. I gave myself ten picks so as not to annoy...for number ten I choose Fried Green Tomatoes by Fannie Flagg. You will love this book more than the movie, I promise! Made me feel proud to be a woman. Made me feel okay to be lots of things...

2003-02-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

The Adorable Thing Delaney Did at the Bakery

We stopped at Tim Horton's the other day, and Delaney wanted a donut. I was getting Greyson all set up in a highchair, so I handed her the dollar and told her she could order herself, if she liked. She said, "What do I say?", and I told her. So she walked right up to the counter, peered up over the edge, and said "Ummmm, excuse me, I would like a double chocolate donut, please," in her teeny little voice. The twentysomething cutie on the other side of the counter did not hear her, so he asked her to repeat it, which she did, word for word, inflection for inflection. He took her money, gave her change back, and told her they'd bring it to her as soon as the donuts were iced. She was so proud of herself! So, she comes to sit with us, and in a minute or two, here comes the guy with the donut. She said, "Well thanks for serving me!". It was sooooo sweet. Then, in a few more minutes, the server approached me with another donut, which was iced really fancy. He told me that he thought Delaney was so sweet that he wanted her to have this special donut. He even brought it in a little individual sized box to take home. She said, "Well, THANK YOU! Is this FREE? For ME?" I just can't get over what a sweet soul she is! What a charmer! I loved her manners, and I loved how confident she was. Go Delaney!

2003-01-29T21:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, things are looking up here. Just letting the blogging public know. Remind me to post the adorable thing Delaney did at the bakery.

2003-01-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

NOT AGAIN. NO!

2003-01-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

Just an update. Everyone's feeling better. Nothing to report. Exhausted.

2003-01-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

I can't fucking take this anymore. My family has been sick since December the 27th. Ear infections and puking. What the holy fuck? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get them healthy? I have spent night after restless night holding sick kids and keeping sick kids away from VERY ill daddy. Somehow, I have remained pretty healthy. Thank you GOD. THANK YOU for that! But what is the deal with my poor family? I feel desperate. I feel like a bad mom. I don't want to live another winter...I don't have it in me. This sucks worse than anything...seeing the babies so miserable and confused...why does their tummy hurt so? Why?!!!!!!

I am very, very depresed. Scary depressed about this.

2003-01-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

One of the areas I want to improve is my lack of political awareness. I tend to stick my head in the sand about political issues. I think it's because it bores me. I hate to admit that, because it shows that I am lazy and unintellectual. But it's just true. I try listening to the news or reading CNN, but after awhile, the words sound like gibberish and I get sleepy and bored. Plus, I don't like to debate or talk about politics much because I am not as informed as I feel I should be. But by staying out of the debates, I learn nothing.

2003-01-13T07:47:00.000-08:00

Late Resolutions

I resolve to stop using my credit card. (Except for emergency gas).
I resolve to spend what we have and live like we make XX amount of money. What I see ISN'T what I need to get.
I resolve to continue my quest for personal growth and integrity.
I resolve to read more, and be online less.

2003-01-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

In reference to my last post, I realize it was arrogant of me to think that I was able to get my father to see the fallacy in his argument. It says nothing about me and my skills as a debater (that said tongue-in-cheek). It says much about my dad and his open mindedness. Open mindedness? A man who is still bigoted about homosexuals? Yes. A year ago, he would have completely closed me off. He may not be at the same point on the path as I am, but he is willing to grow. It humbles and amazes me. Humans are all capable of the Divine.

2003-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

I had a big tiff with my dad last night about homosexuality. He claims that nobody is born "that way". I asked him to give me facts to prove that point. His ineffective argument was that he has known people that live a gay lifestyle who were once straight, and he has seen gay people get together with people of the opposite sex. He was SO closed minded about this! And just a couple of months ago, I came out as a bisexual womyn, and he thought it was fine. He then went on a rant about the "homosexual political agenda". Gawd, I thought I was sitting next to Pat Robertson for awhile there! The amazing thing is that I was able to get him to see where he was being judgemental!

2003-01-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

This is the first winter in forever that I haven't felt depressed. I do suffer from SAD. Why the change? OUTDOOR time.

2003-01-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

*!*!*Happy 2003!*!*!*!

It felt like an occasion to blog. I was looking at toasts last night online to ring in the New Year with friends. Here is one that spoke to me, though I'm not particularly religious.

"A new year. Let us get on our knees and give thanks that we're still on our feet". That's what I will give thanks for this year.
No resolutions yet, save one. May I never stay up that late on a day where I won't be able to nap again!! I went to bed at around 2 am, then Greyson coughed a lot in the night. I got up at 7 am to teach a class at my new place of employment (whooo!!) with only a cup of coffee in my system. NOT SMART. Old age is catching up.

2002-12-27T05:37:00.000-08:00

Gifts

I'm not talking about Christmas presents here! I've been thinking, after having read the luscious, rich, painful and deep book The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, about the gifts each person brings to your life. I believe that even if the person irritates you, he or she is there to help you learn something in this life. I've been journalling privately about people I know, and their impact on my life. I want to compile these into letters for next Christmas perhaps. I don't think you can let people know how much they are appreciated too much!

I wonder, what is MY gift to others? What is my purpose? Deep thoughts, as always...

2002-12-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

A Happy Holiday

This was one of the happiest Christmases ever for me. I hope the rest of you had a blessed day as well.

Peace.

2002-12-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

A Productive Fight
I have nothing to say about the fight. I do not want to use this forum to hash out personal shit with my husband.

2002-12-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

Do you think things happen for a reason?

I've been thinking about this for awhile. Many people say that things always happen for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason will be. I've always been skeptical. What purpose could events like a terrorist attack have, or a school shooting, even something less dramatic like a fender bender that ruins your day and drives up your insurance premiums?

This September, we lost our fireplace. It was poorly built, and we had to tear it down to save the supporting wall. I grieved its loss. But one day, Greyson was crawling around that same area and I flashed back to when Delaney was the same age. She cut her head on the corner, and we spent months helping her down from there, and fixing up scraped knees, elbows, and foreheads. Maybe we lost the fireplace to save Greyson from a bad accident. Maybe...? The other night, Delaney got sick in the night. It was the night before her Christmas program at school. Also, I was supposed to volunteer that day. I got to thinking, maybe I was not supposed to be driving that day. Or maybe something would happen at school, or maybe when my friend brought Greyson to me, the carseat wouldn't be right or SOMETHING...I've been intrigued by this topic, and would love to hear more opinions on it.

I even got really deep in thought about this, thinking maybe in some alternate realities, these horrifying events happened and I begged God/dess to change things...and maybe losing the fireplace or Delaney getting sick was the only way around it, to reverse what had happened.

I think a lot of freaky things like this.

2002-12-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

What I did today, December 17
Got up, got my own shower, dressed both kids
Made beds
Diapered many times
Nursed countless times
Had 2 little girls over to play with Delaney
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, clean up, snacks, clean up, Greyson fed, clean up
Made crafts with Delaney
Baked bar cookies
Made a casserole for MOMS recipe club
Cleaned toilets and sinks
Two loads of regular laundry, one load of dryel
Fed cat
Cleaned out corners (dust balls)
Dusted
Cleaned mirrors
vaccuumed
Bathed both children
Made appetizers for Gene's work party
Laid out clothes for everyone
Learned new abdominal routine for tomorrow's class
Spent much time on the computer

And now I am tired.

2002-12-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

I get sooooo upset when I am misunderstood. Sometimes it makes me actually ill. Add to this the fact that I have trouble expressing myself, somewhat. People read me the wrong way a lot. Then, I stay up late stewing about why I am so often misinterpreted.

I have this new-ish group of friends. I am trying so hard to figure out where I fit in their schema of things. To compound things a bit, they have all been together about five more months than I, so I am the newcomer and somewhat the ursurper. Somehow, I've come off to some of these women to be something different than what I am.

Case in point-a bunch of us went out for my birthday. We went dancing. K. said to me that I looked surprised that anyone could keep up with me on the dancefloor, and that I had a shocked look on my face when T. could do some of the funky moves. Blog readers, I am SO not like that. I mean, WTF? K. has also said other things to me which indicate that she is not getting "me" at all. And each time I try to explain myself, she tells me not to apologize. Then, other times, shes seems to totally understand my essence. I am so bugged by this.

I think I am bothered because in friendships as well as in all relationships, I tend to give all of myself. And I have high standards for myself, and expect it from others. This is so confusing to me, she and I connect so well at times, and then she thinks things about me which hurt me.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO I AM!

I live my life by a code of kindness. It offends me when people assume I am not kind.

This post is all over the place, but I am really, really upset.

2002-12-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

Testing to see if blogger will lose this post.

2002-12-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm an open book. If I am having an emotion, there is no hiding it. I am good at being tactful when dealing with people, but when it comes to me and talking about me, I am all out there, open, for the world to see. For the most part, this does not benefit me. I've tried to change it, but it's one of those pieces of my personality that just sticks.

2002-12-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

That sacred station that is MOTHER

"We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later...Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth."
Mary Antin

This quote appears at the beginning of a book I am reading now. It is so true. It is widely held that the greatest pain one can have is the pain of childbirth. Perhaps. I would assert, however, that one of the greatest spiritual pains is that of becoming a mother, not in the physical sense, but in the all-encompassing, soul-wrenching, life-altering way. Nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing can compare to it. Nothing comes close.

We are afraid to admit this, we mothers, but sometimes, we just want to NOT be mothers for awhile. When your child has been sick and hasn't slept, and you are two days with no shower and your husband (partner, whatever) is out of town, and the baby wants to nurse non-stop at night and it's too cold to play outside and the four year old talks without ceasing all day long and you just want to lie down in a dark room with nobody needing you and you've yelled and you've said things that you are sure are going to scar the child for life and you say you hate being a mom and almost mean it days. Those are the days when your soul is weighted with the finality of it all, with the severity and importance. Importance doesn't even sound like a weighty enough word. For those children you have borne, you are the WORLD. Your word is TRUTH to them. How magnificent, and how awesome. How utterly frightening.

I feel at times like the world's most unqualified mother. I have a temper. I don't want to play dinosaurs. I spend too much time on the computer. We don't eat much organic. I threaten stupid things, I coerce. I do things I swore I never would, not with MY child, said I. I speak with my own mother's tone-impatient at times...hurrying...Mothers are a hard bunch on themselves. But you know, it could be a good thing that we are. Just so we can strive to be better every day.

But then...then, there are the times when I do my best. I see the fruits of my labor, figuratively and literally speaking. And they are sweet, and good.

2002-12-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on the rape thread, or Why I Stay Out of the Drama
First of all, count me in with the group who says Anon. was raped. When a guy (clearly in the power position by virtue of his maleness) keeps hounding someone for sex, that implies that he is expecting and pushing for a yes answer. See Holly's blog for what I think is an excellent commentary, and sums up my thoughts well.
The reason I don't get into the debates is because I usually could just end up going around saying "I agree" and "Me too". By the time I formulate a post (not a thought, because I think fast, I just can't write it out quickly!), someone has said what I meant in a much more coherent and eloquent way. So there.

2002-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

The mar on the night
I've decided that nobody will care about the mar on the night. Suffice to say, one of the husbands got really mad that we were out and I had to let one of my friends stay here until she was "allowed" to go home late Sunday night. That is all.

2002-12-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

My night out
Wow, I had an excellent time out on Saturday! Went out to dinner with a bunch of friends. It was an excellent group. Everyone got along well (some had never met each other. I'm so great at bringing people together LOL!!). To dinner, I wore a blue sexy 3/4 sleeve top with a star on the front made of sequins, a short black mini, and knee boots. To dancing, I wore the same top with black extreme flare pants and dancing boots. The poor waiter at the restaurant didn't know what to do with all of us womyn! He tried to embarrass me, but I told him I was virtually un-embarrassable.
The club was good-too smoky, but really good music and people. Nobody in my group got too drunk, which is nice, but there was a good buzz had by most! I got hit on a couple times-always helps the ego. The main thing was I danced all night and it felt GREAT! I could do that once a month.
There was one mar on the night, which I shall save for another post.

2002-12-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had one glass of wine with our dinner. Just one small glass. I went to bed and had the most horrendous nightmare! Really! Gene was on the couch (he's been snoring us all awake!), and I had to go get him. I woke up crying! I don't even want to write it down, it was so awful. I think I am going to blame the wine. Ever since Greyson was born, I now get headaches if I drink ANYTHING. Well, I didn't get a headache last night, but wow, what a doozy!

My birthday was fantastic. I always have such high expectations for my birthday. Why, I do not know. But they were met this year (as they are many years, Gene knows what I like in the way of birthdays). I spent the day shopping with a friend. Greyson was SO great! We went out to lunch and the boy slept. Hallelujah! Last night, Gene brought Olive Garden take out, and put up our window tree and decorated.

Tonight, I am going out to dinner with some girlfriends and then out dancing.

I have a post brewing about being a good mom/bad mom, but I have to go get lunch!

2002-12-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to Meeee
It's my birthday. Yay!! I'm 31 today. I can't believe it! I'm having a very nice day.

2002-12-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

Ch-ch-changes
I am so proud of who I am. I face my faults (sometimes later rather than sooner, but I do), and change what I don't like. Of course, these changes are a process. I don't expect to change them overnight. I am impatient with myself most of the time. But I am trying.

One of the changes I have made recently is being more empowered with my mom. I've always regressed into some state of immaturity when dealing with her. But lately, I've been learning to have a voice. It feels so good.

I've been being really honest with people about my sexual preferences, too (when the need arises). My mom didn't want to hear it. But I didn't back down.

2002-12-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight, while lurking around various sites, I found a thread about someone who just remembered something terrible from her past. All these scary feelings came flooding my heart as I read it. The very same thing happened to me a few years ago. I had always remembered the man who molested (what a sucky word) me from the time I was around ten to when he was found out at age fifteen. But one night, I was listening to the radio and this song came on-I still shudder when I hear it-and I just remembered all these things. Thing is, I've been in therapy for this shit, I have dealt with it, I can see that it isn't my fault, yet when I read something like this, I just get a horrid sickening rock in my stomach. WHY can't I get over this?

2002-12-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

yaaps
This is where I often post.

2002-12-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Bonny is helping me...Bonny and I both post at

2002-12-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

I figured out links, thanks to Bonny!

2002-12-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have decided not to write part two to the love story below. Too depressing, and y'all might get the wrong idea 'bout me and my boy. So, instead, today I want to talk about my son. He is a maniac!!! I honestly do not recall Delaney being this way at such an early age! If he is down, he is moving, and he is fast. Nothing is safe. Why crawl if you can cruise? Why sit if you can stand? Why eat Cheerios if you can eat the checkbook? He is amazingly adept at manipulating his environment. I never can leave him alone in a room. He is just mobile enough to be a danger to himself. Frankly, I am exhausted! I am also fearful of the next two years of his (and my!) life. He is a happy soul...just constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, on the go!

2002-11-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am stealing this entry from Julie's blog, located at www.facinginward.org
(I can't make my links come up all cool).

Gene and I have been together for twelve years now! It was November 24, 1990...shall I take you back in time?

I was eighteen, living away at college (only an hour, but still...), and newly single from my three year high school boyfriend. I was home for Thanksgiving, and quite bored. My mom woke me from a nap, asking me to take something to her good friend Alice, who is also the mom of my high school friend, Gene. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but I still had a terrible crush on him. I didn't expect him to be there when I dropped off the items, but he was. He casually asked me out to dinner for the night after Thanksgiving, but I told him if he was still seeing M, his current girlfriend, that it probably was a bad idea. He said, "Fair enough," and we left it at that.
When I talked to my friend on the phone that evening, she told me I was a fool. Deciding she was right, I called Gene back and blurted out that if the invitation was still good, I wanted to go out with him. He laughed, said okay, and agreed to pick me up at the mall after my shift at my stepfather's seasonal kiosk.
I can still remember choosing mu outfit for that night-down to the undergarments that I didn't expect to be seen. I can still recall what Gene wore, as well, and my stomach still does a flippy flop when I see him in my mind's eye, coming to pick me up.
We went to dinner at a quiet, trendy little spot where the waiter recited the entire menu. We were quiet, bashful, until Gene bit into a cherry tomato and squirted juice everywhere. We talked and talked like we always had, about spiritual things, about the meaning of life, yet it was somehow different this time. My heart was beating like crazy and my desire for him was growing with every breath. We talked in the restaurant, we talked in the car, we drove to different places, but the movies were sold out, and campus was dead. Finally, we drove to a lake to talk some more. Out of nothing and nowhere, Gene turned to me and kissed me...and that was just it. We must have kissed for an hour. Our fun was broken by a cop knocking on the window LOL!
"So, I guess its time to go home, " said Gene. "Yes", I answered. We drove home in silence. Gene was about to turn onto my road when I said that I didn't want to go home. "I don't want to take you home," was his reply. So, we went to his parent's house! LOL! That night, I had what I truly believed was my first one night stand. Instead, it has lasted twelve years plus!

Anyway, as fairy tale as that story seems, there was a long period of ugliness and heartache that followed that night, but right now I will leave my fine readers with this installment!

2002-11-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that I am okay with this, but we have decided not to have a Christmas tree this year. Greyson has already pulled down my little fake ficus tree, and I am so sure he will be pulling down the Christmas tree. I've always been such a sentimental fool about the tree, leaving it up well into January and even later. But it just isn't worth the stress this year. And I am okay with it. Amazing.

We aren't doing the family thing for Thanksgiving, either. We have invited our best friends and their kids over to eat and spend time. They don't have family close by, and we just love them. I'm actually enjoying not running home for Thanksgiving. I'm even starting to feel like a grown up.

My mom was here today, and we called my sister trying to coordinate a time to all get together for Christmas. What a mess. We finally settled on December 28th, but my stepdad is dissatisfied because it's after Christmas. I told my mom to sell it to him. I think after Christmas is more low key, plus you get to hit the sales. Cha-ching.

I just realized that this is the most boring entry ever.

Off to think of something spiritual or controversial.

2002-11-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

1. Your name spelled backward?
Myk. But not Jagger.

2. Where were your parents born?
Racine, Ohio (at home, go Dad, go Grandma McIntyre!), and Zanesville, Ohio

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The latest incarnation of Incredimail.

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
The Gulf Drive Cafe, Bradenton Beach, Anna Maria Island, Florida

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Tuesday at ten thirty a.m. (Greyson and I are in parent/child swim while Delaney has her lessons!)

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
My shitty high school didn't have them. I'd have been a star, though!

7. How many kids do you want?
Get back to me. Today, just these two. It's soooo hard sometimes!

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Anything that twangs too much or yells too much.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes.

10. Do you have cable?
Yes, and I am glad for it when the kids are sick or I'm up late nursing or whatever.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Yes.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Oh my, yes. What fun it used to be!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Only a few, on campus.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Bungee, probably no. But my dad has sky dived many times, and I'd kinda like to try.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
British Columbia.

16. Do you have a garden?
Only flowers, which I usually kill.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
The Far Side.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Yes, and I have sung it on the radio. Whoo whoo.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, when I can catch one.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Beauty and the Beast is the only one I can even think of.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
Feta, broccoli, and pesto. Annies!

22. Chips or popcorn?
I like Tortilla chips.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
It depends on whether it's a "cool" makeup day, or a "warm" makeup day.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Uh, no.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I ran for Homecoming Queen, does that count?

26. Orange Juice or apple?
OJ.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Last night, Gene and I went to dinner at Chi-Chi's, but my food SUCKED.

28. Favorite chocolate bar?
Hersheys with Almond. Wish I had one now.

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
May.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Probably around late September.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
I have a cheerleading trophy, a most inspirational chorus member trophy (not kidding!) and 2 spelling bee trophies.

32. Are you a good cook?
I give myself a B.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yes, and I find it amazing that some do not.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I have the Tae Bo tapes.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Ginger ale. Ha.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Nametag, yes. Uniform, no.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
I had film developed there.

38. Ever throw up in public?
On the street last year while pg, with Grey.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Love every single time.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
No, but I caught my little brother doing it! Tee hee!!

42. Can ex's be friends?
Sure.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My boss. And that was a long time ago.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I was bald for a long time.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
{Gene's voice} "You've reached the Jacobs residence. We're not in. Please leave a message."
We used to do really, really fun ones, though.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
I like the couple who are music teachers and try to be "down with it".

47. What was the name of your first pet?
Gypsy (I know that is a term that disenfranchises Romanic peoples. But I didn't know that then.)

48. What is in your purse?
The usual, nothing out of the ordinary.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Veg out alone.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Food can be delivered!

2002-11-20T07:13:00.000-08:00

Heaven-feeling the weight of her head on my chest
-feeling the breath of him on my neck
-hearing the love in her voice
-hearing his contented sigh
-seeing the depth of her eyes
-seeing the look of discovery on his face
-smelling her fresh washed hair
-smelling the back of his fat baby neck
These angels in my care....they are the closest thing to heaven I can imagine. Thank you for the gift.

2002-11-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

Weekend Update
Dennis Miller is out of the building, so yours truly will be standing in. This weekend was good. We planned for it again, and although we didn't accomplish everything on the list, it helps.

I am craving some alone time. I think I will go see a movie by myself. Tuck Everlasting is out, and I've been excited to see that.

2002-11-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

Life Colors

Here's another really cool test!

http://www.auracolors.com/test.htm

And here are my results:
Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.

Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses---basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.

Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.

2002-11-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

Try this link. For the test below.

http://www.9types.com/newtest/homepage.actual.html

2002-11-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

I am not a bit surprised!
Take this test:
I am a Type Four-The Artist or the Romantic.

Here's what it had to say about me.Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Fours as Parents

help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

2002-11-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

I went to yoga Monday night and again today. It was nice, for a change, but I like to feel that my muscles worked. Maybe some power yoga is in order. Also, since I have done some tapes that came highly recommended by REAL yoga followers, I knew a lot of the poses, and also knew when the instructors were not doing something right. Today's was with it, but the one Monday night taught the class that "Namaste" meant "Hello". Meh.

2002-11-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

I AM SO ANGRY!
I hope blogging about this helps me. I am SOOOOO pissed! M, the woman who owns the morning Jazzercise classes, is planning to move the location/time of these classes. She has held them at the same church for 6 years, so it's a pretty big thing, changing them. She asked me last week if I wanted to teach Mondays and Wednesdays, and I said okay, as long as I could get childcare arrangements. I told her I'd be asking A., a woman she and I both know. I asked, A said yes, and I told M. That is the extent of people I told. This morning, I didn't make it to class. Apparently, A. told another mutual friend, who then told some church people. M. then automatically thought that ***I*** was the one who told others, without even asking me about it. I didn't make it to class this morning. M. told everyone from the stage that I was the one who spilled the beans. She went on to say (according to a friend of mine, this is all second hand, but typical of M.) that she hates that it came out in such an unproffesional way, and just kind of made me look responsible. I am SO mad. I HATE being "punished" for things I don't even do!! And I hate that she made me look like a blabbermouth in front of the very women I will be teaching.
Ya know, it would behoove her to keep me happy. It is clear she doesn't want to be teaching in the mornings anymore, and if she wants me to do it, she should not act this way.
Another thing-she is the moodiest person I have ever met! Why couldn't she just have asked me, or asked the people who she heard it from????
For the record, I told A. (babysitter friend) that this was not common knowledge.
I just hate shit like this!

2002-11-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

It has been a better few days. Gene and I communicated, and hopefully this new system of weekend planning will help. We've both been dissatisfied with the way our weekends go. We both have been feeling like the other has controlled the weekend. So, last night, we made this very detailed plan of how we wish for things to go. We both put our absolute HAVE-TO-DO's on the list, and actually scheduled time to be together and Daddy/kid time. We have to actually schedule this? Are we hopeless? I really hope we can strike a balance this weekend. It's been sooooo frustrating.

On to other things: My employment situation is about to change *again*, but I feel good about it. My employer is moving the morning Jazzercise classes to another facility starting in January. She will now have three classes in the mornings, and offered for me to teach 2 of them. Also, she wanted to know if I would do 2 Saturdays a month. I agreed to, because I was able to do a babysitting deal with someone, because this new facility has no babysitting. The only drawback is that the new classes are for people 55 and over. Not that I am ageist, I just had lots of people I'd have invited, but they are too young. Oh well. I will be getting paid more per hour at the new place, so I ain't complaining! Much.

Hmm...I have a new haircolor, too. I should learn to post a picture. Perhaps I will later.

2002-11-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

Halloween was fun, I have made a new friend, life is really busy, and I feel good about that. Husband on nerves big time. Tired of having to be the strong one (emotionally) all the time (ok, I know it's not ALL the time...but...)
Ummm...not much new. Boring blog day. Baby standing by himself holding onto sofa. Mad cause he can't get down.
Preschooler saing "giraffe poop" over and over and finding that hilarious.

2002-10-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Jealousy
I want to be enlightened. Unencumbered by wasteful emotions. It's a process. I get jealous of people. I'm jealous of those who can express themselves with such ease while I struggle to make myself understood. I am jealous of people with no debt, though I take full responsibility for creating our debt. I am jealous of people who can drive a new gorgeous vehicle, have freshly painted nails, cute clothes, sporting lots of jewelry, lookin' like a million bucks when I step out of my ten year old car, nails chipped because I painted them a week ago Tuesday, shirt soaked with baby drool, hair needing a cut. I hate myself for BEING envious of that kind of thing, that is so materialistic, so "beneath" me. She has it all. She's prettier, she's richer, her kids are older, and next year, we won't have much in common at all.
I hate hate HATE being so petty.

2002-10-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Having it All Together
I know I can't be the only one who feels like the inbox will never be empty. It's neverending. I should be used to it, but I just long to have a house that has no projects begging to be done, no continual clutter. I feel like I could pick up and tidy and work all day, only to have a house that looks like....well...that looks like kids live here. In my logical mind, I know that cleaning is an ongoing chore, that it is harder to keep things super neat when there is a baby in the house. But I just can't get happy about the fact that there are a hundred things that need to be done, more that I WANT to get done, and it just can NOT be attended to. I prioritize, kitchens and groceries and laundry and bathrooms are at the top. Then there's sheet changes and dishes three times a day at least, mopping, dusting...not to mention things I'd like to do, like washing the walls down, dusting ceiling fans, cleaning out from under beds, reorganizing dresser drawers, WEEDING, painting...ugh. There are SO many, many things I wish to do, I have energy to do, I LONG to do, but I just CAN'T.
Big, heavy hearted sigh.

2002-10-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

Fifty Random Things about Me
I am such a follower...

01. What's the most embarrassing thing in your record collection?
I'm honestly not embarrassed about anything I own musically. Huh.

02. Have you ever stolen anything?
During finals week Senior Year of High School, I ran out of pencils, so I opened up a random locker, later identified as belonging to Shawn Bush, and grabbed 2 pencils. I meant to return them, but with the stress of final exams, I forgot. I still feel badly about it! Also I once kept too much change given back to me at a restaurant. I've got issues with stealing.

03. What (illegal) drugs (if any) have you done?
Mary Jane.

04. Who/when was the last person you kissed (bonus points if you can locate a picture of said person on the internet)?
Delaney, about fifteen minutes ago after tucking her in for the night.

05. Who's your biggest rock/movie star crush?
Gwen Stefani.
Scott Stapp.
Richie Sambora.
Michelle Branch.

06. Who's your online crush?
I don't have one, currently, though I am particularly fond of Diane!

07. Have you ever made out with anyone on your lj friends list?
No.

08. What's the best gift you've ever received?
My babies.

09. What's the last dream you remember having?
It was actually a sexy one! I don't think I should give details, but wow! The one before that one, though, was strange. Delaney and I were tracking wolves up in the woods behind my house, in the snow, and the dream was completely silent.

10. What's the longest you've stayed awake?
Like 45 hours? I hate hate HATE that feeling.

11. Girls: ever kissed another girl?
Yep.

12. What's the best concert you've ever attended?
Bon Jovi's homecoming concert at Giants Stadium last year, or Depeche Mode in '93 at Star Lake.

13. What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?
Probably just pot. I'm pretty law abiding.

14. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I am still so ashamed that I told it, that I don't want to confess to it now.

15. If you had to give up either music or sex for the rest of your life, which would you pick?
Just kill me now.

16. What's your favorite bad-for-you food?
Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake Ice Cream. I have some each weekend. It's Sunday night and my pint is waiting!

17. Tell your most embarrassing moment.
I was trying to impress Bobby Epling at a high school sports awards banquet. I was an eighth grader, he was a senior, and he asked me to sit with him. I went to get drinks, tripped in my high heels, and spilled the drinks down the front of my winter white pants. (It was the 80s.) Guess who was called up five minutes later to recieve an award? Ugh.

18. What's the craziest thing you've ever done to impress a boy/girl?
I am a compulsive liar when it comes to things like that, and I have gotten myself into some weird situations...but I never really DID anything wacky to impress, either.

19. What rockstar would you be a permanent groupie for, no questions asked?
I'd never want to be a real groupie, but if I could travel around and see lots of Bon Jovi shows, that would be cool. Actually, I think it would get boring fast, cause they tend to do the same basic show the whole tour...

20. Favorite sex record?
Currently, we like the Atmospheres/Soundscapes channel on the 24 hr. music station on our cable. But most Depeche Mode albums make good sex albums.

21. What's your biggest guilty pleasure?
Chocolate/The 'net

22. You just had twins, one boy and one girl. what are their names?
Trevon and Aubryana.

23. Who's your favorite broken up band?
Gin Blossoms.

24. What movie have you seen ten times or more?
When Harry Met Sally, The Breakfast Club

25. If you could lose (or get back to re-lose) your virginity to any person living or dead, who would it be?
I wouldn't change it. It was very sweet.

26. What's your favorite food that everyone else thinks is weird/gross?
Some would say hummus. I say THEY are weird.

27. What's the best and worst job you've ever had?
Best: Full time mom. I did love teaching fourth grade, though!
Worst: Substitute teaching. Especially high school.

28. What's your favorite album that was made before you were born?
I'm just blanking out here. Abbey Road?

29. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
dog, but we have a cat. Go figure!

30. What's your favorite US city? favorite city outside the US?
Pittsburgh has a lot of character. Columbus is becoming more cultured. San Diego was lots of fun...hard to choose.
Outside US...I have a certain fondness for Cranbrook, BC Canada.

31. What's the farthest you've traveled to see a band?
Flew to New Jersey last year for Bon Jovi.

32. Have you ever made out with more than one person in the same 24 hour period? (if so, HOW MANY?)
I haven't.

33. Favorite curse word?
Shit dogger or FUCKING HOLY HELL!!!!

34. Favorite euphemism for sex?
Gettin' some action!

35. Favorite song lyric? Why is my mind blanking out? I used to be able to spit lyrics at a moment's notice. I'll come back to this one...
OKAY! I've thought of one.
If for honesty you want apologies, I've nothing to hide
If for kindness you'd substitute blindness, please open your eyes
~ Condemnation by Depeche Mode

36. Have you ever had a romantic/sexual encounter with a rock star?
No. But I met Kenny Loggins once! (just wanted to throw that in. I think he is wonderful!)

37. What's the weirdest place you've ever kissed etc anyone?
The roof of the house I lived in when I was a teenager?

38. What's the weirdest article of clothing you wear on a regular basis?
I have these weird toggle Nike tennis shoes. They were a gift...they are funky lookin' though.

39. What's the craziest/stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk?
Went on a road trip with two guys and a girl I barely knew! PLEASE let my kids have more sense than that!

40. What's your favorite board game?
Cranium or Beyond Balderdash.

41. What's your favorite song to dance like you're mental to?
Pumps and a Bump/MC Hammer
You Dropped a Bomb on Me/Gap Band
Rump Shaker/Wrex N Effex

42. Doesn't Madonna rule? it's ok, you can admit it, it's only me and I know she rules.
Yawn.....

43. What's your favorite part of a man's/woman's body?
Man: hands Woman: Neck/collarbone

44. What's your favorite smell?
Baby heads...the ocean...bakeries

45. What's your favorite drink?
Alcoholic? Red wine...shiraz or something like it.
Non Alcoholic: Coke. This happened during my pregnancy for Greyson...I am now addicted to Coke!

46. What was your favorite cartoon when you were little?
Good ole Daffy Duck!

47. What song makes you cry?
Bad by U2

48. What's your favorite pickup line?
"I think girls with glasses is reaaaaaal purdy" LOLOL! Someone actually tried that one! SCARY! I don't know, I like something original...

49. What current trend do you think is ridiculous and wish would go away immediately?
The thong above the hip hugger thing. Ewww. (Agrees with Sarah!!!!!!)

50. You get to rename yourself anything you want. GO!
I'd like to be called Kymber...that is cool...

2002-10-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

Games.

I suppose we all play games. I've been trying hard lately to shed my games, and become authentic. It's hard...I seem to slip easily back into the patterns I've learned and created for thirty plus years.
One of my best games is drama magnet. It's ALWAYS something with me. I seem to attract drama (i.e. conflict, tension, bizarre events, emotional drama). I have been trying to figure out why these things happen to me, and I think there is something to the fact that I make them happen...but there is a part of the picture in shadow here...

I have a new friend, though, who calls me on my games. I love someone who challenges me!
Hi new friend!
Kym, who needs a new fuckin' blog...get off yer ass and research girl!

2002-10-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

I have now been married ten years. Ten! I was a child bride, it's true. I know I should write something really romantic and nostalgic. Right now, though, Gene is in bed with a murderous migraine, and there are 2 kids requiring my care!

2002-10-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've been on a spiritual quest for some time now. I haven't ever found anything that completely resonates with me. I find that the church of my upbringing is too pessimistic. I just don't feel that humans are born into sin. Am I going to hell for that? (hardy har har). I feel that every human is capable of the Divine. I just think it takes us a few lives to acheive that. We should strive to remember that each of us is a part of God, on a different point on the path. I need to find that test that tells you which religion you are based on your personal beliefs. Anyone? kymgene@ameritech.net
I gotta get a new blog, man...

2002-09-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I'm better now. Just an update!

2002-09-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

Fighting with the ones I love...saying things and not being understood...being held at arm's length...not connecting...reaching out and being rejected...these are the worst things.

2002-09-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

One more thought for the day-I read it somewhere, but am having a horrid time remembering where...but I think there is a lot of truth to it. Always taking things personally is a sign of being really selfish. I agree! People who always think a comment or problem is about *them* is so far into him/herself that they can't see that any problem might exist without regard to them.
I used to be this way!
Always on a journey, I am.

2002-09-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, Gene came home! My fears were totally irrational, yet I felt them so deeply.
I definitely felt the fear of being a single parent. The worst of things happened while he was away. Delaney got a puking, pooping stomach bug. It was truly awful. But you know what? I handled it. Things got cleaned up, kids got taken care of, naps were had. I did it all by myself. I passed the test.
HOWEVER-I still want to give out mad props to all the single mamas out there! I do not know if I could honestly do it. Three days, and I am really tired. All I want is to go to Jazzercise, all by myself.

2002-09-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

Feeding the Machine
If you feel guilty for eating a doughnut, stop and ask yourself why. Did you harm someone because you ate the doughnut? Did you take money from your child's college education fund to pay for the $.80 doughnut? No. You feel guilty because someone on high has rules, and the rules don't include a woman eating a doughnut.
If there is laundry in the washer, laundry in the dryer, and two baskets left to fold, if there are toys in every room of your house, if there are fingerprints on the front door, and you feel guilty, why? Did you sit on your ass all day? No. You woke up, fed the kids breakfast, cleaned up from that, you played and fed and nursed and nurtured. Just because NBC commercials show a woman wearing pressed pants, with two perfectly dressed children, with spotless countertops and floors, who is calmly making a full course dinner, does not make this reality!
To feel guilt about not meeting these impossible standards is feeding the machine of madness.
I hate fucking commercials.

2002-09-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

I will never give said person the address of this blog!!!

The house next door to me went up for sale last weekend. Friend of mine who isn't really a friend (let's call her A), is interested and walked through with the realtor yesterday! She stopped by to tell me all about it. She asked, "What would you think if we were next door neighbors?" and I took a deep breath and told her I would NOT want her coming by every day, that my home was my sanctuary, that I was territorial about my space. This woman SERIOUSLY bugs me. PLEASE let that house sell to someone else.
Truth be told, I'd like that house...

2002-09-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I thought maybe if I posted about it, it would help. Gene is leaving tomorrow for a business trip, and I am really afraid he is going to die. I'm freaking out, actually.

2002-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

More
26. My favorite movie is The Breakfast Club.
27. I graduated 8th in my high school class, and 17th in my University class. I had a 3.96 GPA upon graduation.
28. I feel somewhat guilty for posting that, yet proud at the same time.
29. I self-identify as bisexual. I have never actually had sex with a woman. I just really have wanted to.
30. Love is not about gender to me, it is about soul. I stole that quote but I cannot reference it to give credit. Thank you, whoever wrote that recently in your blog.
31. I used to read a lot more, and then I became addicted to the internet.
32. I mostly read non-fiction.
33. However, when I find a good book, I usually read it in one day and then re-read it forever.
34. I actually get pissed off if a book ends "wrong".
35. Sleep is vital to my good moods and mental health.
36. I don't get nearly enough.
37. That is usually my fault for staying up so long internetting.
38. The best thing I have learned in 30 years is that I have much to learn.
39. I hated red wine until 2000, when a friend introduced me to it. I don't crave it like Coke, though.
40. Damn, sixty more to go?
41. Entries like the one above really aren't about me, and shouldn't be legal but I plan to let it slide.
42. I think I could easily let myself be overcome by some of my compulsions. Similarly, I think mental health is a very fragile continuum for most people.
43. I'm a Saggitarius through and through.
44. Someday I will be a choreographer for a dance team, or cheerleaders, or something like that.
45. I was a cheerleader for 8 years.
46. Not THAT kind of cheerleader. {Because...}
47. Both my high school and my University are located in Appalachia, and we just didn't have the money to be snobby. None of us.
48. I have a bunch of cheerleading related injuries. Once, I threw a backhandspring and for some reason, got spooked and landed on my chest. My head whipped up really hard. Once, Bruce (my stunt partner in college) dropped me from a chair hold on my ass.
49. I coached a dance team last summer and it was one of the most fulfilling jobs I have ever had.
50. I feel somewhat un-cerebral wanting to do a job like that.
51. In my former life, I was an elementary teacher.
52. I have no desire to do public school teaching ever again.
53. Sometimes I have freaky dreams that do come true.
54. The last dream I had that came true was about a cat.
55. I'm still on a high from my last birthing experience.
56. I believe my daughter is gifted.
57. I cried when Kelly Clarkson became the American Idol.
58. I'm okay with my weight right now.
59. Five years ago, I would have been freaking out that I was "too fat".
60. I just realized that Tanya put something about The Breakfast Club on her blog and I am worrying that she will think I am being a copycat, but I am not going to change it, because it's been my favorite movie since 1984.
61. Just to prove I can "put it all out there", my nervous habit is nose picking.
62. I really love my friends. I am grateful forever for my friends.
63. I worry that I talk too much and bug people.
64. Small motor is not my forte.
65. But I can play the piano moderately well.
66. Can't read music much, though. I play by ear.
67. My ass is getting numb sitting here.
68. Unfortunately, I have expensive tastes, but I have learned to shop thrifty. (Thriftily?)
69. At this moment, I am becoming rather hungry.
70. I just made a snack of spinach artichoke dip and pita bread, which will be all over my keyboard because I made it while nursing and will eat it while nursing and finishing this list.
71. I was conceived while my parents were stationed in Okinawa, therefore, I was "made in Japan".
72. I was born in the nation's capital. Mom and Dad got to come home just before I was born.
73. I was voted "Most Creative" and "Interesting Character" by my high school class.
74. Compared to the people I most admire, I am not very creative or interesting.
75. I still think I am cool.
76. I love my sister, but we should not see each other very often in order to stay happy.
77. I hope that doesn't hurt her feelings.
78. I really want to be a home canning, clothesline using, composting, hemp skirt wearing, baby at the breast while I cook organics from my own garden kind of woman.
79. So far, I'm not.
80. Music defines my life.
81. I consider myself an artist because of my dancing.
82. I am sick of this damn list at this point.
83. I should probably clean up my language.
84. I had my best orgasm in my second trimester of pregnancy. It was November the 23rd. I think I screamed. LOL!
85. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband.
86. I just went back and saw how many entries I had about sex.
87. I decided there weren't too many.
88. My favorite season is Autumn.
89. The color of my life is green.
90. I graduated high school in 1990. Our class cheer was "We are sexy, We are mighty, We're the class of 1990". But the class beneath us made up this one: "We have corncobs in our hineys, We're the class of 1990".
91. The later it gets, the sillier I become.
92. It isn't that late right now.
93. I only cook a couple times a week.
94. I ate take out for all three meals today, because there was a hole in my wall. It's fixed now.
95. Men who can really cook turn me on.
96. Gene can't cook his way out of a boxed cake mix.
97. I love him so very much anyway!
98. I hate chipped nail polish.
99. I'm enjoying my quest to know myself.
100. If I had a million dollars I'd travel a lot.

2002-09-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

One Hundred Things about Me
1. I really like to talk about myself.
2. I also love to hear about other people. I think the stories one chooses to tell reveal SO much about the person.
3. I am thirty-this is my favorite age so far.
4. I'd rather go to the gynie than the dentist any day.
5. I haven't been to the dentist in almost two years. I REALLY need to go. Help!
6. I don't watch very much television because I become completely entranced and end up watching drivel for three hours.
7. This most often happens with VH1 late at night.
8. I lost my virginity at 18 to the boy I had been dating for a year and a half. We de-virginized each other. It hurt. But we kept on doing it, as we were horny teenagers. LOL!
9. I've had sex (willingly) with three people.
10. I kinda wish it was a higher number.
11. Famous people I have met include Kenny Loggins, Kathy Mattea, Ozzie Newsome...I think that's it.
12. I do believe in astrology.
13. I like to chew on my baby's teething toys. I find it very soothing.
14. I eat a little bit of chocolate every day.
15. I hated Coke until I was pregnant with my son, and now I crave it.
16. I'm a little bit ADHD, I think. I am definitely "hyper". I move a lot, and I find too much noise very distracting.
17. Dancing is my favorite exercise.
18. My religious beliefs are still being carved out of the very strict Pentecostal upbringing I had, but I think I am a Jesus- loving-Buddhist- existentialist-neopagan. Or, the cult of Kym, if you will. (Thanks Sarah.)
19. I'm still a little afraid of the dark.
20. I was once hauled into the police station for posession of marijuana. It wasn't mine.
21. Mine was at home taped beneath a dresser drawer.
22. I've known my husband since I was 11.
23. We didn't go on a date until I was 18. (about to turn 19).
24. We got married when I was 20 and he was 23 because we thought we couldn't be apart ONE.MORE.DAY!!
25. I started this list of 100 things knowing I had to be somewhere in fifteen minutes, and now I have to go.

More later.

2002-09-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks for talking at Tanya's blog (see link below) and the few who emailed me. I feel very satisfied!

2002-09-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

Please come here and talk about fatphobia. Please.

http://www.pugugly.org/madame-fab/

2002-09-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Fatphobia or Fatism or Fat hate

This post was sparked from discussions at a site where I lurk. (Bad grammar, who gives a fuck? Anyway...) I know that there is a pervasive culture, sick and depraved, telling us all that if we are not a size six or below, we are fat. And that if we are fat, we are sub standard. It is so ingrained into our cultural fabric that it sits on us like a hat we cannot take off...like blinders which won't budge. I agonize over weight every day, every motherfucking day, yet somehow, I am one of the lucky ones who can maintain a weight deemed acceptable. This makes me feel lucky, guilty, and confused.

Maybe I need to back up. From about 1992-1997, I was anorectic. I would only "allow" myself to eat half of a serving of each "food group" per day at first. Later, I'd allow myself one meal a day and a small evening snack. By the end of my run with the skinny devil, I was eating half a bagel, dry, and some dried fruit, or a salad. I exercised at least four hours a day, sometimes more. Sad. Pathetic. The sadder part is how many compliments I got. Now, as I look back at the pictures from those few years, I looked ghastly. I beat anorexia, though, I really did, because I EAT now. I just haven't yet beat that nasty demon within that tells me I shouldn't.

Just to clarify, I don't think I am now exempt from the privelege of being thin. I included the blurb about my anorexia because it defined my life for five years. It affects who I am today. I know that I am fat-phobic but desperately don't want to be. I want to purge this fucking attitude. If I am feeling guilty for eating, for the love of Pete, then I am contributing to the damn problem.

Here's another thing, cause I am wound the hell up about this! I exercise because it feels good. It feels like joy to me, to dance, to move. I no longer exercise simply to be the thinnest womyn in the room, but a part of it is about looking and feeling fit. Does that make me a demon? If I wear a tank top that shows off my arms, am I vain? Is it okay to be proud of my muscles? Does loving my body as it is now mean I have overcome anorexia, or do I have to gain enough weight to put me out of the norm to "get it"? I recognize that I may sound ignorant. I Am IGNORANT. I want to learn. HELP ME OUT HERE!

I live my life by a code of kindness. Is loving my thin self being unkind to fat people? How can I unlearn my fear of fatness on my body? I HATE BEING A FUCKING OPPRESSOR.

DAMN will someone email me on this since I have no comments?

A very riled me.

Edited to add a little and fix a lot.

2002-09-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've heard this for a long time: The thing that bothers you about someone are the qualities in yourself which bother you. Well, I just gotta disagree with that! I've been dwelling on it (as I tend to do), and it just does not compute. There is a woman I know who constantly puts one child above another. That bugs me. I don't do that. This same person constantly talks over people, is WAY loud, and interrupts. While I know I am a talker and can tend to get loud, I consiously try to be courteous in conversation. Truly, the most annoying traits of others, I do not see reflected in myself. I am quite good at identifying my faults. But the mantra comes from so many people-those deeds that you hate in others, you see in yourself. So, since I have no comments, I invite you all to please explain this to me. kymgene@ameritech.net

2002-09-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

My Four Year Old
It's a few days late, but I just wanted to talk about my sweet daughter who just turned four. First of all-I can't BELIEVE she is four! She has grown so much this year. I can see the person she is becoming, and I love it!
She is quiet around groups, but talkative with people she feels close with. She is such a sensitive soul. She takes to heart every small thing you say to her. She gives love completely. I love the things she says. Here are a few: "Oh mommy, I love your kisses. They remind me of your caring for me". "It's so great having a baby froo froo to smile in the mornings!"
And she's so smart! It slays me! She is so interested in the anatomy book my mom is studying, and even knows the names of several bones and muscles. Also, recently she has asked some doozy questions. "Why don't the orbits of planets hit each other?" "Why do you eat meat, dad? I don't eat meat, and my body is growing healthy just fine!" "How do the keys of a computer make the words appear on the screen?" High level stuff, I'd say! Her vocabulary and understanding amaze me!
Her empathy is what makes her so special to me. She really cares about people...she wants to comfort people when they are sad...she will let a friend borrow a toy to take home...she is so sweet with Greyson. I just love her! HAPPY FOURTH BIRTHDAY DELANEY!!!!

2002-08-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sniff...I miss my comments...I hope they will come back someday...sigh.
By the way, I am not in the mood to post about how hard it is going from one to two kids. Mainly because the last few days have been really good. So, probably I will talk about that some other day.
Word.

2002-08-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

The Weirdest Quiz Yet
div align="center">
I'm silly and I like to hump! What are you?

Here's the site...
http://www.mirandathegreat.com/tests/harshexpletive.html

I stole this from a blog I was just passing by...which is here...

http://thebaglady.blogspot.com/

2002-08-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

Please someone tell me that I am not the only one that finds it so hard going from one to two kids! More on this later.

2002-08-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

I had the most wonderful visit with N today!! She and the kids hung here for NINE HOURS!! I wish we lived closer! We can just talk and talk and interrupt each other and go back to the original topic and cook and hold babies and fold laundry and talk and giggle and make obscure references that the other one totally gets and reminisce and........it's so wonderful!!!

2002-08-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

Now, onto more personal things. At MOMS club today, there was discussion about the way the older kids were acting. The moms who had babies only were really flabbergasted by the way the 2 year olds were acting. Honestly, the 2 year olds and near-two year olds were acting normally. They were not being overly active/tantrum-y at all. Then, a mom invited me to the infant play group. I accepted, if Delaney was allowed to come. She said that was fine because Delaney was well behaved. Well, she is, most of the time. But does that imply if she some day misbehaves, she won't be welcome anymore? Hmmm?? Did I act that way when I was the mom of only one? I hope not. I have always loved kids. I believe that each age has its gifts and its pitfalls. Some kids get on my nerves, I'll admit it! But I chalk this up to personality issues, me being tired, the kid being cranky that day, whatever...not just because "Six year olds are argumentative". Sure, there are some things about certain ages that seem to be universal, but it seems dismissive and ageist of someone to say, "Don't bring your four year old because four year olds are ___."
I suppose that when their child gets to be that age, they will find out.
/end vent.

2002-08-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Things I Accomplished Today
Dusted and vaccuumed throughout
Mopped
One load of laundry folded and put away
Another load washed
Quick grocery run
Went to MOMS club outing, became the new Secretary
Got eyebrows waxed
Played pony train
Played Simba becomes the rightful king
Nursed a lot
Diapered a lot

2002-08-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

Kym Quirks
When I think of certain years, such as if someone were to mention 1991, I have an instant soundtrack in my head of songs that make me think of that year. (For the record, 1991 is Smells Like Teen Spirit, among others).
I see certain images when someone mentions a month. June is sand castles and shovels and pails, with a sea blue backdrop.
Sometimes, someone will say a word and I get an instant picture or smell.
Some months also evoke a smell. I don't just THINK of the smell, I can actually smell it.
When someone is talking about a painful experience, sometimes that part of my body tingles thinking about it.
I have dreams that come true sometimes.
There are other things which I can't think of at the moment.

2002-08-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

I found a group of women who parent very similar to me, right here in the Hillbilly Ghetto! I am so happy about this! Freaks abound! Went to a breastfeeding meeting today, and all the moms are interested in bf past age one, cooking with whole and healthy foods, positive discipline, etc. YAY!
Also-American Idol tonight! GO KELLY!

2002-08-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

He sighs against my chest, and I look at him. My son, still fresh from heaven, but becoming more of this world every day. His smile seems to be made just for me, for reaching into my soul. I feel that having Greyson refreshed me, renewed my sense of rightness with the world.
Being able to birth Greyson at home with no drugs or unnecessary interventions was one of the most, perhaps THE most, pivotal moment in my life. I didn't choose to birth him that way because anyone told me it was best, or because I needed to impress or win the approval of anyone. I did it because it was what I wanted, needed, felt to be right. And it was SO right. My entire pregnancy, I told myself it could be done, it would be fulfilled, it was possible, that it would be peaceful and beautiful. I said it to the universe, whispered it into my heart. It came to pass, just as I had willed it.
The labor was as peaceful as I wished. I was in command that night, for the first REAL time in my life. I will never, ever lose that command. Powerful! Real power, not forced, but commanded from a strength within.
I shall never forget the muted sounds of the voices around me. Though they were speaking at normal volume, and even in excited tones, the voices seemed to be coming from the periphery. All that was real to me was my body, this force I'd never felt. Abby (my midwife) said to push. I breathed in. How much time elapsed from that breath until that push? Time truly stood still. I drew up everything in my powerful, awesome, womanly body and PUSHED, bringing my son out into the night.
Gene and Nina (other midwife) brought him to my chest. When I looked into his dark eyes, I felt his soul come into the world, and I fell ever so deeply in love. With him. With everything. With ME.

2002-08-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

Well, Greyson is nak so it appears later is rather sooner.
I have never known how to adapt to relationships changing. Not so much changing, rather fading away. At least with a romance, you break up with someone. With friends, at least in my experiences, they fade away...they stop calling, or emailing, or become too busy. More often, my friends have moved away. L.A., Oregon, Michigan...many of my other friends, the ones whose opinions and insights really matter to me, are internet friends. A whole new phenom, internet friends. A separate post altogether.
That leaves M and N, along with plenty of peripheral friends.
N is busy. Always busy. She lives that way. Volunteering, planning things, becoming part of things. That is just the way she is. She and I were neighbors when we became best friends. She now lives about 45 minutes away. The distance, the business of her life, the new baby in mine, her girls becoming more active in their sports and with friends-these things are taking a toll on our friendship. I am sad about that. She has forever touched me. I loved the way we could just walk into each other's home and help ourselves to a cup of whatever and start talking endlessly about three topics at once, all the while watching the kids and cooking or folding laundry.

M is newish. Actually, we have been sharing babysitting and hanging out for over two years. Something has always held me back from fully giving in to a full fldged friendship with her. I love her, byr we are different in a lot of important ways. She is very conservative politically, for one, which makes for a lot of differences in world view. She lives by a lot of shoulds that I do not. Yet, she has been there for me in ways no one else has. She is very giving, and cares for my kids as her own.
I just want that perfect friend. I will let myself melt into this friendship with M, I will give my heart completely, and someday I will be hurt. It's better than living in a stale, unloving, halfway world.

2002-08-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

So, I have entered the land of blogging. This one is just for me.
Themes rule my life, things I need to accept. This month's theme is friendships/changing. More later.

2002-08-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

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